I'm not ready...

"I'm not ready" and "no" were the only conscious thoughts I remember having as our truck went sliding and rolling off the road with me and my precious babies inside. I keep having flashbacks- every day. Every time things get quiet.

I realize I might need a little therapy, but I'm hoping that writing this down might be a start. Might be a bookmarked place in my life I can go back and read and be thankful for what I have and what we have overcome.

It started as a normal morning. Taking Carley to school. It had snowed an inch or so the night before and I remember the kids running outside as I opened the garage door, marveling at the snow. It wasn't much, but it was fun. We hopped into our Chevy Avalance, our family vehicle, all together for the very last time.

I was as prepared as I am 90 percent of the mornings that I take Carley to school. I wake up and schlep my hair into a bobbypin or ponytail- all crazy from sleeping on it the night before. I throw on flip flops with my frumpy pj clothes. I don't really ever plan on getting out of the car- I usually just hope the sun doesn't shine in my direction so that the other moms can see my un-made-up self. :)

I made a phone call in the truck. Carley had been absent the day before from school because she had the stomach flu. I hadn't written a note, but wanted her teacher to know she should probably sit out from PE because she hadn't eaten anything the day before and I didn't want to aggravate her stomach. I hung up.

The roads were dry and it was sunny. I was driving the speed limit- not looking for ice or anything on the roads because it was so clear. And sunny.

I have no idea "how" this happened. All I know is that, out of nowhere, I felt like I was no longer in control of my vehicle. My huge vehicle. We went sliding and fishtailed into the oncoming lane and then back the other direction. I didn't hit the brakes- not that I remember. I know not to slam on the brakes when you are sliding. For half a second I remember praying we would hit dry pavement again- and then we could sit there for a moment- catch our breath and praise God that the "worst" didn't happen.

Then- for the other half of that second- I knew we would go off the road, and I thought "I'm not ready." I don't exactly know what that means. I'm such a planner- I meant it literally. We weren't "ready" for this. Not on this day. This was not in the plans. Then- it soon came to mean "I'm not ready" to die. I'm not ready to see my babies hurt. I'm not ready for this event in our lives at this moment. No one ever is ready. But for some reason- that's all I remember thinking.

We went off the right side of the road, led by the back end of the truck I believe. I remember the force of sliding at a high speed and then hitting earth and not sliding anymore. It was loud. There was a lot of crunching noise, the smell of dirt and snow. Praying the truck would stop. Carley was screaming, over and over. Graham was starting to cry. I wanted them to keep screaming and crying, because I knew if they stopped...that there was something wrong. They had been hurt. But praise God, the screaming continued. On one hand, I felt like I would be ok when we stopped, but for a brief moment I remember bracing for pain or force. I'm not sure why. I remember my left shoulder hitting the window and/or ground as we rolled.

Then we stopped.

We were on our wheels, facing the highway. Truck still running. It was cold. I immediately looked back and saw my babies looking back at me, scared as hell. Still screaming. Still crying. In that moment, I saw a car pass on the highway in front of us and my first thought was "No one can see us down here and we need help." I didn't know how much help we needed at the time, but we needed help. I couldn't do this by myself. I reached for my phone. I reached for it a second time. It's always on the console right next to me. I was confused as to why it was not there.

Then, reality set in for a brief moment and I realized it probably fell out. I had just gotten a brand new iPhone two days before that, with a bright blue case. I looked forward and saw it at the base of the little hill we had rolled down, in the snow. In a little pile of other random objects from the truck. It must have fallen out the passenger window on our first roll.

I unbuckled. Popped open my door and ran to my phone. I kept trying to call Syd (it seemed like many times, but only once). I kept messing it up. I couldn't focus. My kids were still crying and I needed to get them out. All of this seemed like a lifetime, but probably took about 3 seconds.

A man had parked his car and was running toward us now. And another girl on her phone, yelling that she had called 911. I opened Graham's door (the truck was smashed on top, but the doors still opened) and unbuckled him and held him and checked him over while the man opened Carley's door and pulled her out. She was screaming about her hand, and there was blood running down her arm. I was shaking but strong. I knew I was ok, and needed to make sure my kids were ok. On one hand I felt like collapsing, but I knew I couldn't.

As it turned out, we rolled into the yard of someone. I heard a voice yelling, asking us if we needed help and saw a woman on her porch. I remember yelling, "please help us." I carried Graham and the gentleman who had stopped carried Carley to her house and this angel of a woman opened her garage door and let us in her living room. Poor Graham had his jammies and no shoes on.

The teenage girl, Taylor, followed us in as well. We sat, checked ourselves over. I called Syd. Carley sat with her hand wrapped, in shock. Ms. Marcia (whose house we were in) got me a pair of socks because I had been wearing flip flops in the snow. (goodness)

About that time, a good friend's husband, Chad, came through the garage and into the house, saying he saw our truck. He was followed by the sheriff's deputy. It was so good to see a familiar face. He gave us hugs and sat with Carley for a minute. The rest are details...

We shared our story with the deputy. Got checked out by the EMTs. Learned that immediately after our accident another truck went off the road in the same spot. (black ice that was not melting because there were trees shading the road in that place) The man who had originally stopped and helped us had to leave to take his boys to school. Our friend, Eric, had come to be at the scene until Syd got there. Taylor sat with us and helped, saying she had been parked at the BP across the road on her way to school and saw the whole thing. Ms. Marcia gave the kids water and cookies and turned cartoons on.

Syd arrived about an hour after the accident. I took Carley to the ER in Athens to have her hand stitched up. Graham was perfectly fine.

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There's no real explanation for why we walked away that morning. God was holding us. Angels were with us. There are so many things that could have been worse, but they weren't. I am more than thankful. More than thankful. I can't explain it. I am trying to move more toward "being thankful and just moving on" with every day. So thankful for the people that were there with us that morning. So thankful my babies are ok. Thankful for the network of amazing friends in the area that have helped us. We are so blessed- and I'm not using that word lightly. So BLESSED and so very lucky.

We still have some healing to do, but everything changes after something like that. People say "life is too short" all the time...but it truly is. You never know. Things can change in an instant, whether you are saying "I'm not ready" or not. We are not in control.

Hug those you love a little tighter, kiss them a little more often and tell them you love them. And then do it again. :)